As I write I'm sitting in one of my favorite Denver coffee shops to the tune of Otis Redding and snow glare shining through the windows. I've been here since 7am after battling with an early morning rise I just couldn't shake off. This shop I'm in roasts its own beans and what I love about it (besides the smell of the roasting) is how low key it is. There's cozy bench seats, a whole lot of professors talking academics (we're about three blocks from the University of Denver), and mellow tunes spinning. There's so so much sound here that my former anxious self would be triggered by- roasting, grinding beans, conversations- but somehow the sound helps me focus these days.
Today, though, there's a woman at the table next to me. Think two feet to my right. We're basically sitting at the same table and she's been talking to the man she's with for the last hour or so straight. Well straight minus a few deep breaths here and there and a couple sentences from him in response. I'm trying with all of my might not to tune in but it's hard to when we're cozied up. What I've noticed as I sit here is that the guy seems to be listening. I mean really listening. But he's letting her talk and process about heavy things without looking drained or spent. I mean I'm feeling drained and I'm not even fully tuned in.
It used to be that if I saw someone like this guy next to me I'd think, "Really, dude? Are you tuned out and turned off? This woman needs you. She needs you!" After all, how could he be so grounded if he was actually listening empathetically? I would have been convinced he was emotionally blocked or disengaged. Now I know this guy probably IS listening. He just has healthy boundaries.
I've been talking a lot about building boundaries like his with the crew in my current Finding Your Inner Compass class this past week. As they go deeper into getting their lives and energy in a clear, more balanced state, a few of the students have emailed me reflecting on how they're feeling more sensitive to the people around them. "Is this good?" they've asked. Or "do I need to do something to not take in their sh*t?" The truth is, boundaries sweet boundaries are key to staying at center. They're also something I've lacked most of my life.
As empaths, most of us feel like if we put up any sort of protection around ourselves we're blocking out the world's pain or we're guarding ourselves from offering all that we can. That we're closed hearted and avoiding vulnerability. In reality, not having boundaries makes your center (be it energetic, physical, or emotional) hard to feel out. Without boundaries, someone's grieving and you take on their grief. Someone's angry and boom, your sweetness goes sour right in your gut.
Boundaries also might be something more active and conscious. Think word boundaries like "no" or "I'm sorry but I need to do (xyz) for myself now." Instead of drawing lines on our energetic commitments by saying "yes" only to what we can manage, we put other people's time and needs ahead of us. Does this one sound familiar?
Back in psychic school years ago, I realized loud and clear that I was boundary-free. For weeks, I would leave that class every Monday night drained from people I was partnered with. Outside of class, I was saying "yes" to so many things that I was managing something like 5 jobs including teaching yoga, a half-time editorial contract, and a handful of random writing gigs. I was also in a relationship with someone dealing with a cloud of depression (that he has now healed beautifully!) and would come home to his weightedness, immediately feeling sad for him, for us, for our home. Finding any source of light at my center was hard to do most days even though I was in a program that was all about getting energetically healthy.
One day later in my training, we talked boundaries. The teacher asked, "How many of you say 'no' often?" No one raised their hand. "Okay how about three times a week?" Still no one. "Okay, you guys need boundaries to hold your healed energy close. Let's try something."
We then sat across from a stranger who was told to talk to us about something emotionally weighted in their lives. At first, we were told to listen to their story in our usual listener style which in my case was staying wide open.
As my partner talked about a conflict she'd had earlier that year she was still holding on to I could feel everything inside me twist up. Then, we were told to take a few breaths and build a boundary by imagining some sort of sticky sphere around us. The teacher added that it was key to imagine energy could still be seen through the boundary (by making the sphere transparent) but that it still protected external energy from penetrating our own bodies with its stickiness. Once I built my boundary, my partner told me a story about a friend's illness and choice to go into hospice in the coming week. It is hard to put into words how different I felt. I could listen to her. Ask leading questions. Process. But my center felt full and light. My body felt good and grounded. My partner reflected that when my boundary was up, she actually felt like I was a much better listener.
I walked out of that class a boundary super fan. Soon after I started practicing saying "no" to plans and commitments that I couldn't handle on my plate. Boundaries were like this magic tool that finally let me show up fully for the things and people in my life without feeling drained and spread thing. Everything I did was more productive and everyone I supported seemed to do just as well with my boundaries in place. The best part was that no one seemed to hold my "no"s and self-protection against me. I was so worried people would be hurt or offended but nope. No one ever told me to stop.
Fast forward from that boundary booming cycle of my life. I started working as a psychic. Then I moved to Madagascar. And then moved back to Colorado. Here in Denver, I've been saying a whole lot of "yes"s as I settle into my new home. I've been the inverse of the guy next to me right now holding steady to his center. I've been taking on a lot of projects, losing focus, and not supporting friends and my partner's huge heart as well I can because I'm not protecting my own center. If commitment was a mantra for my 2016 (and let's be honest- I was hoping it would be) I'm far from nailing it by being all over the place.
As I move into the second month of this new year, the man "sitting" with me and his processing pal is just the reminder I needed today. His boundary skills are life shouting at me "put your sphere, Smith!" and "Get comfortable with saying 'no' again!" So here I am, committing to drawing some healthy boundaries this month and onwards. I know that doing this isn't easy or habitual for me and so the practice will be a conscious struggle for awhile. But I'm ready to say "no" to being so wide open I can't see my own center.
What about you? What can you say "no" to that might help you keep your energy healthy? And how can you stay at your center as the big-hearted empathetic listener you are without uptaking a whole lot of weight on that isn't yours?